Yes, it's been awhile since I've updated everyone. Yes, I've been avoiding it. Yes, there's been ups. Yes, there's been downs. Yes, a lot of the time I just couldn't get on the computer (thank goodness school started). Yes, I've been too sick to post at times. Yes, I'm alive and surviving chemo. But, the question I can't answer and the main reason I've avoided this is...do I make this next post, this first chemo post, a positive one or a negative one? Do I let you into my thoughts or just tell you the facts? Really, it's not a negative vs positive, I suppose. It's more of a play by play factual post or let you deep in my thoughts post. I still don't know as I'm typing this. Much as I do when I'm painting, I'm going to just start and see where I end up. Maybe that's the best way to do this. ***deep breath***
I started chemo on July 12th. I go in for my third session tomorrow and I'm terrified. I'm not sure I've ever been as scared of anything before in my life. Seriously, I don't want to go. If I could skip it, like one can skip school, I'd bail. Can I call in sick? For the next year? I don't think I've ever had to go through anything so hard or painful in my life. I mean, I guess I'll survive. I always do, right? I'm the survivor, right? ***deep breath***
So, chemo #1. David and I walk into the cancer center feeling a little lost and unsure. They direct us this way and that way as we begin the preparation. First, we get blood work done and get the port prepped for chemo. Ouch! Then, we head to the chemo waiting area. This takes forever. I didn't realize I had to wait so long to get the actual chemo. The chemo upload is actually not a big deal. I sit in the chair with a pillow and blanket as the nurse changes each bag of medication out as they empty. David plays on the computer. We both play Candy Crush (I'm known as the expert there and the employees bring me their phones to help them beat levels.) I make David get me food which aggravates him every time. A few hours later (6 hours the first time) we finish and go home. Wow, first chemo down and I feel fine.
I continue feeling fine the first few days and I'm excited because I had plans to visit my sister and now I can visit her. I head to her house feeling pretty good; a little nauseous, but feeling good. The first thing to really change is my tastebuds. Absolutely nothing tastes good. This was expected, but so different to really experience it. That's really the truth with it all. Everything, all of the side effects, are expected, but there's no preparing you. It's an entirely different thing to go through it and actually live it. My sister tries her best to take care of me as I fade quicker and quicker. I'm beginning to think I made a mistake coming here. I just want to be home. I head home after days of lounging around miserable with an upset stomach (nausea and diarrhea). As I'm driving my vision goes blurry. What the hell? Later, I go see my eye doctor and he tells me it's normal for chemo and it may go back to normal after I finish the treatments. My oncologist says it may be permanent and I may need glasses after chemo is finished. Oh, joy.
As the weeks go by, I go from okay to worse. Nausea, upset stomach, body aches, etc. Unsurprisingly, my first blood work shows that my white cell count is extremely low. Now, I get to stay home under lock and key. Oh, fun. We wash every fruit, vegetable, hand, body that is coming near me. I'm stuck at home, but I'm surviving. I begin my hair loss countdown. Yes, Montana thinks I'm crazy. "You can't predict when you are going to lose your hair, Mom." I tell her that I've read that it generally happens between Day 10 and Day 14. So, I start my hair loss watch on Day 10. My hair starts coming out in clumps on Day 14. I was right and Montana was wrong. It was itching and burning and coming out in clumps. So, I do what I do best. I take control and shave my head.
Chemo #2 is upon me now. As the days creep up, I find myself scared. I really don't want to feel sick again. But I can get through this, right? The chemo day, itself, isn't too bad. They have trouble accessing my port and have to get a bigger needle. The doctor adds more nausea meds to the process. We hear my name as the nurse and the medicine guy discuss how much of the meds and how long it should take for them to enter my body. She pours them in pretty quickly, which upsets David tremendously. I mean, one would assume the doctor said one hour for a reason, but she believes that it should be given in the 'usual' thirty minute regimen. Ah, lady...there's nothing 'usual' about me. ***deep breath***
This is where it gets tough. The truth? I haven't had one 'feel good' day in the entire three weeks since Chemo #2. Within 24 hours I'm feeling nauseous and the tastebuds are gone. By Tuesday evening (4 days out) I'm so nauseous I want to die and that is with the six anti-nausea meds the doctor prescribes. Diarrhea and constipation at the same time. Who knew that's possible? Okay, maybe not at the same exact time, but from one extreme to the next within an hour of each other. I hit every side effect that's common as well as every side effect that is rare. Chills and fever? Check. Body pain? Check. Weakness? Check. Nausea? Check, check, check. Hair loss? Check. Taste changes? Check. Low white cell count? Check. Fluid Retention? Check. Diarrhea? Mouth Sores? Check, check. Fatigue? Check. Now for the rare ones (10%ers like me). Abdominal pain? Check. Constipation? Check? Peripheral neuropathy? Big check. Muscle/bone/joint pain? Check. Headache? Check. Back pain? Check. Infection? Check. Flu-like symptoms? Check. Cough? Shortness of breath? Rhinitis? Check, check, check. Insomnia? Dizziness? Check and check. You get the point. ***deep breath***
Thursday night (Day 6) I find myself getting chills and running a fever. David is so worried that he tries to warm me up by loading me down with blankets and getting under the covers with me to use his body heat. I call the doctor the next morning and go in immediately for more blood work. The white cell count is low, but not so low that he wants to put me in the hospital. He does send me to the infusion room to get fluids, nausea meds, and antibiotics. After that, I feel a little better (not well) for a couple of days. Then, by Monday I'm sliding downhill again. I head to my family doctor on Wednesday to get checked out. She says I have a bad cold and adds a few days to my antibiotics. She also gives me a steroid shot, antibiotic shot, and B-12 shot. Oh, exciting. I have one day of feeling a little better before the coughing starts. On Friday (Day 14), I go in for more blood work to check my counts. My white cell count is back in the norm, but the lab technician is worried about me being sick. The nurse practitioner tells me that there isn't much she can do and to go home and see how the weekend goes. Of course, it doesn't go well. I head back to my family doctor on Monday after coughing up neon green phlegm, etc. She is worried that I have pneumonia. Fortunately, it is just bronchitis. Yes, when it comes to me, we are happy when it's 'just' bronchitis. I get bronchitis every August like clockwork. So, more antibiotics and another antibiotic shot later, I'm still not well. ***deep breath***
Chemo #3 is tomorrow. And, like I said, I'm scared. I haven't gotten well from the last one yet. I thought I got a week of feeling better. Where is it? Is it under the bed? Is it under the car? Where is it? I guess this is where I share a little. I'm really terrified. I don't remember ever being so scared before in my life. If I didn't have so many loved ones, especially my kids and husband, I wouldn't do it. I'd back out and take my chances. I'm not sure, for the first time in my life, if I'm strong enough. Maybe I'm a baby. Maybe I have it that much worse because of my other health issues. I don't know. It really doesn't matter. All that matters is that I find a way. So, yesterday I decided to stick it to cancer. It was a small, tiny battle, but it felt good. And, yes, I'm paying for it today; but, it was so worth it. I snuck off to the movies. I didn't let my husband and daughter know because I knew they'd stop me. I'm sure the theater was filled with germs, bacteria, and who knows what else. But, I didn't care. All I cared about is that the movie I've been waiting to see for two years got released yesterday and I was going to see it. Cancer has taken a lot from me these past four months and I wasn't letting it take this. So, I headed to the movies two days before my next chemo puts me out of commission again. Sad to say, I felt like this is the best I'm going to feel through the rest of this process (bronchitis and all); and, I damn sure was NOT going to miss this movie because of cancer.
So, maybe I still have a little fight left in me. Maybe that movie was what I needed. I'll keep fighting. I don't have a choice. Too many people I love are counting on me. But, I won't lie and say I'm not scared anymore. What I will say is that Chemo Sucks!!!!!!
