The Ugly. Chemo. Is there anything uglier out there? I don't think so. It's funny that they talk about cancer and what it does to you, but chemo was the killer for me. I finally finished the 'bad' chemo. I didn't write about it often because there really are no words to describe what I went through. There were days that I wanted to curl up in a ball and die. Seriously, my family is the only thing that kept me going. I cannot imagine trying to go through chemo without the support and love of family and friends. It scares me. Chemo scares me. I don't know if I could go through it again. My doctor almost postponed my last two treatments because I was so sick over the fall months. I made him push on and I pushed through it. It was hard; probably the hardest thing I've ever had to endure. Just thinking about it now raises my heart rate and blood pressure. I start breathing heavy and feel like I'm going to hyperventilate. Thank goodness I had Thanksgiving with my dad and sister to look forward to and had a goal in mind. Those six sessions were the stuff of nightmares. I've never been so sick, in so much pain, and so mentally drained. But, I made it through it. I'm now going through the 'good' chemo cycles and will continue through June. This was the biggest battle and I won…I beat cancer.
Bilateral Mastectomy. Another ugly event this year. The surgery was fine, the recover was hard. I've already talked about the complications and pains from this battle. The drains from hell drove me crazy. The wound on my left side wouldn't heal. And, this was the beginning of the end of all muscle tone and movement I had in my body. But, again, I came out on top. I had a second surgery to repair the skin around the wound so it would close. Another battle fought and won by me. Take that, cancer.
The Bad. Breast Cancer. This was a big one. It was/is life altering. No one wants to hear the words 'you have cancer', but it happened. I've been battling it for eight months and will continue to fight it for a lifetime. It's scared and it's running. I've hit it with everything in my stockpile. Surgery to remove the tumor…check. Chemo to attack the cancer cells…check. Estrogen-suppressant pill to keep any cancerous particles from feeding…check. I was dealt a blow with this diagnosis, but I refuse to let it defeat me. It's taking it's best shots and I'm still coming out on top. It was a struggle, but I'll continue the fight.
Fibromyalgia and Osteoarthritis. It's been a struggle understanding and dealing with Sjogren's. It's a very hidden autoimmune disease that affects millions of people. In spite of so many people suffering from it, there is little known about it and people are unaware of the struggles of someone living with Sjogren's. Finding out I have Fibromyalgia on top of it really was a bit of a blow. It wasn't to be unexpected since Sjogren's typically is a secondary disease, but disappointing none the less. The fact that there is no cure and there is only managing the symptoms has been a hard pill to swallow. I'm a fighter and not having the weapons to fight with is killing me. It's like taking a plastic toy knife to a gun fight. I'm still fighting, but it's hand-to-hand combat and it's a close fight. I'm at my maximum on meds and am doing what I can to relieve the symptoms. Adding the arthritis to the mix has given these diseases an unfair advantage. While fighting cancer I found myself being sucker punched. As such, I'll start the new year with an epidural to try to relieve the pain from the arthritis and fibromyalgia. It's hard trying to fight on more than one front, but I'm doing what I have to do. We waited until the 'bad' chemo was finished before we created our battle plan for these diseases. The epidural is the first step and will be followed by physical therapy at some point.
The Good. Where do I begin? There have been so many good, positive, happy moments this year that I'm not sure if I have the time to talk about all of them. So, let's start with the beginning. My in-laws remarried this year. They've been divorced since my husband was young and it was quite the whirlwind romance this time around. The wedding was beautiful and I loved getting to dress up with my family and be a part of the special day. I mean, any day that has me shopping for new, pretty shoes is a win…haha. Family is so important and it was great getting together and making memories. I love seeing my mom-in-law so happy. She sacrificed for her kids and has been alone for a long time and to see that sparkle in her eyes is a treat for me. She deserves her happy ending.
Montana's graduation. This was the most amazing day this year, maybe the best in my life. My baby girl has grown up. How did that happen? I couldn't be any prouder of her as she's continued on her path to greatness. It was worth putting off surgery to watch her get her diploma. The day was beautiful and it was everything I hoped it would be. I enjoyed taking pictures for her senior portraits and I enjoying being with family as we celebrated her. And, she is worth celebrating. Montana is so responsible, has such a great heart, and is such a hard worker. She's compassionate, loving, and kind. I can't wait to see her life as she finishes college and starts her adult life. She is amazing.
Tristen's graduation. Navigating the world of Asperger's or Highly Functioning Autism has been quite the adventure. I've tried to balance Tristen's social needs with his academic needs and having high expectations without having unrealistic goals. It's been a long, hard-fought journey to get his social skills on par with others his age. Children with Asperger's have a hard time in social situations as well as other aspects in their lives. Things we take for granted as easy are difficult for them. My Tristen has such a personality and sense of humor. Yes, he needs his safe place and personal space. I've had him in Occupational Therapy and Speech for a few years now trying to give him any advantage I can to help his journey. Empathy and sympathy…those are the two things that Tristen lacked for all of his therapy. It was hard getting him to understand and express his own emotions. Getting him to understand others seemed impossible. It seemed impossible until my cancer. They say everything happens for a reason and I'm a firm believer. Tristen grew so much over this summer because of the cancer. He started asking how I was doing and showing concern. He said he was sorry for what I was going through…this was unheard of before cancer. He began saying I love you so often that I quit crying when he said it. Now, he asks others how they are doing and shows concern when they've had a bad day. He understands feeling and emotions better than he ever would have if I hadn't been diagnosed with cancer. As such, he's graduated from his therapy class and has assimilated wonderfully. He's made leaps and bounds that the therapists and I never thought he could accomplish. He's a wonder, my Tristen.
Thanksgiving. Getting together with my dad and sister was a definite highlight in my crazy year. I don't get to see my dad very often as he lives across the country. Seeing him two times in one year? Amazing. Dad and my Uncle Dennis visited in June after my surgery. It was the first time my Uncle Dennis had been out of New England. Both of them and my sister coming to Thanksgiving at my house? Well, it was the light at the end of a very long, dark tunnel. I don't get to be around my family very often. Most live far away and others just aren't' in my life anymore. I cherish each day that I get to spend around them. Thanksgiving was one of those special occasions. It coming right after my last 'bad' chemo was a great incentive to hang in there and keep fighting. My sister, her husband, my nephew, and her husband's dad came in from Atlanta. My dad and uncle came from New Hampshire. Even my uncle and grandfather from my mom's side came from Florida. It was a perfect few days. We played football in the yard. Well, I watched anyway. We fried turkeys and had an apple pie contest. We hung out and enjoyed each others company. It really doesn't get better than this. I finally got to exhale. It was a break from the war. No battles, just peace and love. Thanksgiving was what it was meant to be this year and I will be forever thankful.
Family. My family has to be the best part of this past year. The love and support they've provided has been so huge that I have no words to describe how much it's meant to me. My kung fu family raised money for my cancer treatments with kickball tournaments, kick-a-thons, and pink kung fu belts. Their support and help has been a wonderful thing. I appreciate and love my extended family for all they've done. My husband has been a rock for me. I wouldn't have made it this far without him. He's been there for every step of this twisted journey and loves me unconditionally. I haven't been very rosy and sunshiny this year and he's taking quite a few hits from me. He's held strong and loved me throughout this and I can't imagine my life without him. My children have been my motivation to keep fighting. Logan keeps me on a healthy path. He's been my go-to guy for drink refills, blankets, basically anything I need around the house. He takes the bad foods away that I'm not supposed to eat and makes sure I keep in line. I needed his stern hand and help. Tristen has been my sunshine. His growth has been a miracle for me and his smile always lightens my heart. I needed him to keep me smiling through this. Montana has been my pride and joy. She's grown so much and accomplished so much this year. She's held me when I've cried and has been my best friend. My in-laws have brightened my day and my mom-in-law has helped with so many appointments without complaint. I couldn't have made it through the 'bad' chemo without her help. My sister has kept me motivated and my nephew has brightened my day through the year. They're love has helped get me through this dark year.
The Christmas Spirit. I guess you could say that cancer has changed my outlook on life. I cherish each moment with my loved ones and have come to realize that family is the most important thing. Money and other material things don't matter. Family does. I reached out to my mother this year to let her know about my cancer. Although we've been estranged for about eight years, I felt a need inside me to keep her informed. My grammy passed away from cancer. It was a big hit for that side of my family. So, I reached out to my mom's side of the family, including her, this year. My uncle and grandpa came to visit for Thanksgiving. The same uncle was a chemo buddy for one of my sessions. It's been nice seeing them which made deciding whether to go to the family Christmas get-together harder. I haven't been to one in several years because of the estrangement and haven't really stayed in touch with my maternal family. While checking in on me, my mother mentioned the party. This was followed by an invite from my uncle. After much thought and debate, I decided to go and I brought my Montana. It was a huge decision and I almost backed out when Montana said she was going with me. But, we went and had a great time. It was wonderful seeing everyone again and visiting and my mother took the visit for the gift it was. And, it was just that…a gift. I can't promise a relationship out of this, though I will definitely get together with the family more often. But, I feel better letting everyone see me. I felt like they needed to see that I was okay. And, just maybe, I needed to see my family, too.
Happy New Year!
