Father's Day

Every year we celebrate Father's Day by cooking out, giving presents, letting dads know how much we love them. You know, the typical Father's Day. We post the pictures of us with our dads on Facebook letting them know how much they mean to us. As wives we ensure that the kids have gifts to give the dads. We give the typical golf equipment, clothes, shoes, grilling accessories, etc. Perhaps we even get a little complacent in our celebration of the wonderful fathers out there. Well, this year Father's Day is different for me.

There's no celebration, no grilling, no gifts this year for my husband, the father of my children. It's hard to plan, shop, and wrap when you're still recovering from a bilateral mastectomy. This week has been a rough week in my household. I still can't clean, cook, shop, etc. without my incision opening or the drainage doubling. Sitting on the cancer chair....that's my life now. To say I feel like crap about it is an understatement. This sitting and resting process is killing me. My husband says he's okay with doing nothing and I know he means it. That's why I married him. He is the most loving, wonderful man I know. His concern and love for me is endless.

Even though we aren't celebrating today, he has had quite a grand weekend and I at least have that to soothe me. On Friday, he became a disciple of Grandmaster John Graham, Sr. in the art of Wu Chu Quan. It's a huge honor and I'm so proud of him. On Saturday, he tested for his 2nd degree black belt under that same system. I was unable to attend because of the complications from my surgery. My daughter saved the day by texting me pictures and videos from her iphone. She has such a wonderful heart. I thought about ignoring my husband (he was the one who insisted I stay home) and heading to the gym to watch him anyway. In the end, I didn't go because I didn't want him to be worrying about me instead of concentrating on his forms. He's that kind of man...my health is more important than anything to him.

I've been doing a lot of thinking these last few weeks and as Father's Day approached, I started feeling more and more the weight of this holiday. As I've said before, I'm a realist and the meaning of Father's Day has taken on a deeper meaning this year. As I sit and think about the future, I can't help but think about the day when I leave this world. I know the percentages, the odds, the statistics of my survival from cancer. Yes, the percentage of survival is high with Stage IIA. But, anyone who knows me can attest that the odds are forever stacked against me. Find the small percentage and that's where I belong. I'm a rarity, an oddball; hell, I swear I'm an alien life form unfit for this world. So, what happens when I'm gone? I used to worry about how I had to live until my kids were adults. Where would they be without me? How would they survive? Doesn't every mom worry about this? It's not even about the cancer, but more about being a mom and wanted to be with your children forever because no one else is good enough to raise them.

Well, I have my answer...they will be with their dad and they will thrive. They will grow into a beautiful, successful woman, and fine, responsible young men. As much as I want to be there for their entire lives, it just may not happen. No one knows the future and I have a lot of obstacles in mine. My husband is the most hands-on dad I know. He's there for our children in every way possible. He took my daughter in as his own from day one and has been an important part of her life. He went to every softball game, coached her, spent hours practicing with her. Her successes have been his successes. And, he's equally involved with the twins. He watches soccer games, attends award ceremonies, helps with homework. He's teaching them to be men, to respect others, and to work hard. There's no better role model and no better father out there.

So, when I'm gone, whether it's from cancer or some other thing, I know that my kids are in good hands. They will be with their dad. That's what Father's Day is to me now...celebrating the man who holds the future of my children in his hands. Maybe it's a little strange that I'm not showing him love and appreciation in the common Father's Day ways, but I feel like I'm giving him something more. I'm giving him my confidence. I'm giving him my approval. I'm giving him my children. As a mother, I'm celebrating the love of my life, father of my children, and letting him know that he's the future of our children and I'm at peace with that.

Happy Father's Day, babe! Thank you for being the best dad in the world, and thank you for your endless love. You are my rock, my life, my future. I love you!

I'm Ready to Get Off This Ride

I know it's been awhile since my last post. It seems I'm not very good at keeping everyone updated. Part of this is because I've been healing and recovering from my Bilateral Mastectomy. Part of this is because I have so many thoughts running through my head that I don't even know where to begin. And, part of it is because it's summertime and who can get the computer from two gamer sons? So, if this post is scattered, it's because my brain is so scattered right now.

I had my Bilateral Mastectomy three weeks ago. It's been a long three weeks. A little side story...I'm a closet Keeping up with the Kardashians fan. It's the family dynamic that keeps me watching. All families have their drama, but at least they come together as a family. I love that about the show. One of the things I think is interesting is their Peak and Pit sharing. So, I'm going to take that from them as I've had many Peaks and Pits in the last few weeks.

Peaks
The breasts are gone, along with the tumor. I expected to feel some remorse or feel uncomfortable without the tatas. I mean, I had huge ones and they've been a part of me for quite some time. I'm having to go through my shirts because some make me look like I'm wearing a muscle shirt, but I can't wait to find a new wardrobe that works with my new look. I feel confident and even proud to show my badge of honor. I'm going to be a breast cancer survivor and I have nothing to hide. I'm a warrior and proud of the sacrifice I've made.

A sentinel biopsy was done on the auxiliary lymph nodes and the results came back negative. It's a great feeling knowing they haven't spread to my lymph nodes. I feel like that's the kiss of death. The lymph nodes scare me as I remember the cancer spreading to my grandmother's lymph nodes. It's a relief.

I cut my hair before surgery in preparation for chemo. I mean, it's shaved using a 3/4 guard. And, the funny thing is, everyone is loving it. I'm enjoying the freedom of not having to fix my hair. I can shave it into a mohawk if I want to be a little crazy. At first, it took a little getting used to, but now I'm really digging it. I donated my hair to Pantene's Beautiful Lengths. I even inspired a friend to cut hers short and donate it in support of me.

Speaking of support, the love and concern everyone has shown has been amazing. I feel blessed to have so many people in my life who care. I'm actually not good at showing my emotions and it feels weird having all of these people show me love. It's been more than I could have expected and I appreciate every one of you.

Pits
The tumor is gone, but it doubled in size. Now, I officially have Stage IIA Breast Cancer. That's scary. My survival percentage just went down 10%. It took about a week for that to sink in and for me to really think about it. I became depressed, sad, scared, and angry. Why me? I try to avoid that question, but I think one just can't help but ask it at some point. Did it grow or were all of the tests wrong? No one has an answer. I know it's Her2 positive so it's aggressive. It doubled in size in one month. What would my outlook be if I hadn't found it until my annual checkup in August? I cried, I yelled, I wished I were dead. Thank goodness for my husband. He was there for me even though the same thoughts were going through his head. He kept saying it was okay. That was the word he got from some reading material. Honestly, the okay bit drove me crazy. Every absurd thing I threw at him was returned with the same okay. Finally, I threw the what if I killed myself...is that okay? No, that's not okay. Not that I would kill myself but the okays were driving me crazy. Of course, he did make me laugh in the end. It's amazing how he helped me go from crying and yelling to laughing. As he says, it's okay!

The drains from hell are driving me crazy. Three weeks later and I still have the darn things in. I feel like they are attached for life. I'm pretty sure I'm having an allergic reaction to the plastic. I have to clean the tube sites daily and re-bandage because of the pain, I have soooo much drainage. I'm supposed to get them under 40ml in 24 hours. I'm holding steady at 70-80. The surgeon is taking them out Monday no matter what because I start chemo next Friday. I can't start chemo if I still have the drains in so they must go or I'd have to postpone chemo and the doctor doesn't want that to happen because of my active her2. So, there's a very likely chance that I will have fluid buildup and have to get a needle stabbed into me to drain the fluid. Oh, joy!

As if the drains weren't enough of a problem, I have a two inch area on my left incision that refuses to heal. The surgeon had to put stitches in after the staples were out because when I move my left arm it creates a hole. I can hear the air enter and feel the drain when it stops getting a suction. I've been to the surgeon three times this week to get areas stitched. I'm pretty sure my being a redhead is part of the problem. I don't heal very well. It's a slow process. Add my Sjogren's into the mix and this is what I end up with...an open incision.

Today has been the worst day so far. I had a few great days and spent them out doing things. I went to the park with a friend. I want to the tattoo parlor with my daughter and bestie. I went out to eat. Basically, I left the security of my house and went out into the world. What a mistake. I started feeling bad yesterday. My right side started bothering me. The drainage doubled overnight coming in at 158ml for the day. I started feeling light-headed and nauseous this morning. My head was pounding and my side was hurting. I started running a fever of 100.7 and felt like I was dying. My arms and legs started tingling and I felt like I have the flu. I took some tylenol and that broke my fever. I took my Sjogren's and Fibromyalgia medicine and that helped with the tingling a little. No, I haven't called a doctor because my surgeon is in surgery all day. And, I don't know which doctor to call. Is this an infection? Is this a Sjogren's episode? Did I catch the flu? Knowing my luck, it's a combination of all three. We'll see how I'm doing in the morning. I may call all of my doctors.

Stand Tall
So, as you can see, I've had a lot going on lately. It's been a roller coaster ride for sure. I'm ready to get off now though. And, I haven't even started chemo. I think if it weren't for the support of my friends and family, I wouldn't make it through this. I'm amazed at the lengths they go for me. Me? It really is strange to me to have so many people who care. I had the friend who cut her hair, too. And, I had my bestie and daughter get tattoos in support and love for me. Even through the pits, I've had some great peaks. I really just want to say thank you to my loved ones. I couldn't fight this cancer without you!

Here's the tattoos my crazy daughter and bestie got for me. It was a fun night and I love them both even if they are crazy.