I had my Bilateral Mastectomy three weeks ago. It's been a long three weeks. A little side story...I'm a closet Keeping up with the Kardashians fan. It's the family dynamic that keeps me watching. All families have their drama, but at least they come together as a family. I love that about the show. One of the things I think is interesting is their Peak and Pit sharing. So, I'm going to take that from them as I've had many Peaks and Pits in the last few weeks.
Peaks
The breasts are gone, along with the tumor. I expected to feel some remorse or feel uncomfortable without the tatas. I mean, I had huge ones and they've been a part of me for quite some time. I'm having to go through my shirts because some make me look like I'm wearing a muscle shirt, but I can't wait to find a new wardrobe that works with my new look. I feel confident and even proud to show my badge of honor. I'm going to be a breast cancer survivor and I have nothing to hide. I'm a warrior and proud of the sacrifice I've made.
A sentinel biopsy was done on the auxiliary lymph nodes and the results came back negative. It's a great feeling knowing they haven't spread to my lymph nodes. I feel like that's the kiss of death. The lymph nodes scare me as I remember the cancer spreading to my grandmother's lymph nodes. It's a relief.
I cut my hair before surgery in preparation for chemo. I mean, it's shaved using a 3/4 guard. And, the funny thing is, everyone is loving it. I'm enjoying the freedom of not having to fix my hair. I can shave it into a mohawk if I want to be a little crazy. At first, it took a little getting used to, but now I'm really digging it. I donated my hair to Pantene's Beautiful Lengths. I even inspired a friend to cut hers short and donate it in support of me.
Speaking of support, the love and concern everyone has shown has been amazing. I feel blessed to have so many people in my life who care. I'm actually not good at showing my emotions and it feels weird having all of these people show me love. It's been more than I could have expected and I appreciate every one of you.
Pits
The tumor is gone, but it doubled in size. Now, I officially have Stage IIA Breast Cancer. That's scary. My survival percentage just went down 10%. It took about a week for that to sink in and for me to really think about it. I became depressed, sad, scared, and angry. Why me? I try to avoid that question, but I think one just can't help but ask it at some point. Did it grow or were all of the tests wrong? No one has an answer. I know it's Her2 positive so it's aggressive. It doubled in size in one month. What would my outlook be if I hadn't found it until my annual checkup in August? I cried, I yelled, I wished I were dead. Thank goodness for my husband. He was there for me even though the same thoughts were going through his head. He kept saying it was okay. That was the word he got from some reading material. Honestly, the okay bit drove me crazy. Every absurd thing I threw at him was returned with the same okay. Finally, I threw the what if I killed myself...is that okay? No, that's not okay. Not that I would kill myself but the okays were driving me crazy. Of course, he did make me laugh in the end. It's amazing how he helped me go from crying and yelling to laughing. As he says, it's okay!
The drains from hell are driving me crazy. Three weeks later and I still have the darn things in. I feel like they are attached for life. I'm pretty sure I'm having an allergic reaction to the plastic. I have to clean the tube sites daily and re-bandage because of the pain, I have soooo much drainage. I'm supposed to get them under 40ml in 24 hours. I'm holding steady at 70-80. The surgeon is taking them out Monday no matter what because I start chemo next Friday. I can't start chemo if I still have the drains in so they must go or I'd have to postpone chemo and the doctor doesn't want that to happen because of my active her2. So, there's a very likely chance that I will have fluid buildup and have to get a needle stabbed into me to drain the fluid. Oh, joy!
As if the drains weren't enough of a problem, I have a two inch area on my left incision that refuses to heal. The surgeon had to put stitches in after the staples were out because when I move my left arm it creates a hole. I can hear the air enter and feel the drain when it stops getting a suction. I've been to the surgeon three times this week to get areas stitched. I'm pretty sure my being a redhead is part of the problem. I don't heal very well. It's a slow process. Add my Sjogren's into the mix and this is what I end up with...an open incision.
Today has been the worst day so far. I had a few great days and spent them out doing things. I went to the park with a friend. I want to the tattoo parlor with my daughter and bestie. I went out to eat. Basically, I left the security of my house and went out into the world. What a mistake. I started feeling bad yesterday. My right side started bothering me. The drainage doubled overnight coming in at 158ml for the day. I started feeling light-headed and nauseous this morning. My head was pounding and my side was hurting. I started running a fever of 100.7 and felt like I was dying. My arms and legs started tingling and I felt like I have the flu. I took some tylenol and that broke my fever. I took my Sjogren's and Fibromyalgia medicine and that helped with the tingling a little. No, I haven't called a doctor because my surgeon is in surgery all day. And, I don't know which doctor to call. Is this an infection? Is this a Sjogren's episode? Did I catch the flu? Knowing my luck, it's a combination of all three. We'll see how I'm doing in the morning. I may call all of my doctors.
Stand Tall
So, as you can see, I've had a lot going on lately. It's been a roller coaster ride for sure. I'm ready to get off now though. And, I haven't even started chemo. I think if it weren't for the support of my friends and family, I wouldn't make it through this. I'm amazed at the lengths they go for me. Me? It really is strange to me to have so many people who care. I had the friend who cut her hair, too. And, I had my bestie and daughter get tattoos in support and love for me. Even through the pits, I've had some great peaks. I really just want to say thank you to my loved ones. I couldn't fight this cancer without you!
Here's the tattoos my crazy daughter and bestie got for me. It was a fun night and I love them both even if they are crazy.
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