Father's Day

Every year we celebrate Father's Day by cooking out, giving presents, letting dads know how much we love them. You know, the typical Father's Day. We post the pictures of us with our dads on Facebook letting them know how much they mean to us. As wives we ensure that the kids have gifts to give the dads. We give the typical golf equipment, clothes, shoes, grilling accessories, etc. Perhaps we even get a little complacent in our celebration of the wonderful fathers out there. Well, this year Father's Day is different for me.

There's no celebration, no grilling, no gifts this year for my husband, the father of my children. It's hard to plan, shop, and wrap when you're still recovering from a bilateral mastectomy. This week has been a rough week in my household. I still can't clean, cook, shop, etc. without my incision opening or the drainage doubling. Sitting on the cancer chair....that's my life now. To say I feel like crap about it is an understatement. This sitting and resting process is killing me. My husband says he's okay with doing nothing and I know he means it. That's why I married him. He is the most loving, wonderful man I know. His concern and love for me is endless.

Even though we aren't celebrating today, he has had quite a grand weekend and I at least have that to soothe me. On Friday, he became a disciple of Grandmaster John Graham, Sr. in the art of Wu Chu Quan. It's a huge honor and I'm so proud of him. On Saturday, he tested for his 2nd degree black belt under that same system. I was unable to attend because of the complications from my surgery. My daughter saved the day by texting me pictures and videos from her iphone. She has such a wonderful heart. I thought about ignoring my husband (he was the one who insisted I stay home) and heading to the gym to watch him anyway. In the end, I didn't go because I didn't want him to be worrying about me instead of concentrating on his forms. He's that kind of man...my health is more important than anything to him.

I've been doing a lot of thinking these last few weeks and as Father's Day approached, I started feeling more and more the weight of this holiday. As I've said before, I'm a realist and the meaning of Father's Day has taken on a deeper meaning this year. As I sit and think about the future, I can't help but think about the day when I leave this world. I know the percentages, the odds, the statistics of my survival from cancer. Yes, the percentage of survival is high with Stage IIA. But, anyone who knows me can attest that the odds are forever stacked against me. Find the small percentage and that's where I belong. I'm a rarity, an oddball; hell, I swear I'm an alien life form unfit for this world. So, what happens when I'm gone? I used to worry about how I had to live until my kids were adults. Where would they be without me? How would they survive? Doesn't every mom worry about this? It's not even about the cancer, but more about being a mom and wanted to be with your children forever because no one else is good enough to raise them.

Well, I have my answer...they will be with their dad and they will thrive. They will grow into a beautiful, successful woman, and fine, responsible young men. As much as I want to be there for their entire lives, it just may not happen. No one knows the future and I have a lot of obstacles in mine. My husband is the most hands-on dad I know. He's there for our children in every way possible. He took my daughter in as his own from day one and has been an important part of her life. He went to every softball game, coached her, spent hours practicing with her. Her successes have been his successes. And, he's equally involved with the twins. He watches soccer games, attends award ceremonies, helps with homework. He's teaching them to be men, to respect others, and to work hard. There's no better role model and no better father out there.

So, when I'm gone, whether it's from cancer or some other thing, I know that my kids are in good hands. They will be with their dad. That's what Father's Day is to me now...celebrating the man who holds the future of my children in his hands. Maybe it's a little strange that I'm not showing him love and appreciation in the common Father's Day ways, but I feel like I'm giving him something more. I'm giving him my confidence. I'm giving him my approval. I'm giving him my children. As a mother, I'm celebrating the love of my life, father of my children, and letting him know that he's the future of our children and I'm at peace with that.

Happy Father's Day, babe! Thank you for being the best dad in the world, and thank you for your endless love. You are my rock, my life, my future. I love you!