Getting Lost in the Wind

I was lying in bed trying to ignore the horrible pain shooting through my joints and muscles from Chemo #4 when I received the phone call that saved me. I'd been living in the dark for over a week, just wishing it would all stop. I'd been to my oncologist for my pain and he just gave me pain medicine to manage it. Next, I went to my rheumatologist hoping he had an answer for the pain and he just gave me a stronger pain medicine to manage it. That was their answer; live with the pain and try to manage it. As one who hates pain medicine with a passion, I chose to live with pain and stay in the darkness. I knew it had to pass at some point and I just laid there waiting. I had no idea that one phone call from a friend would be my lifeline to the light.

I answer the phone and my friend says she needs me. Her boss moved locations and my friend no longer has a job. Her anxiety has gotten the best of her and she needs help. She needs to get her child to school and she doesn't think she can drive. See, my friend suffers from severe anxiety and I'm the one person who seems to understand how debilitating it can be. So, without thought to my own pain and problems, I tell her I'll be there in twenty minutes. I get dressed and head out the door. I get there, she opens the door, and she's crying. I hug her for what seems forever telling her she will be okay. She calms down, we get my nephew ready for preschool, and bring him to school.

Now what do we do? She tells me she can't go home. She can't sit there all day alone. I feel where she's coming from and I tell her I'm open for anything. "Can we go to the beach and walk around?" she asks. "Sure, that sounds nice," I answer immediately. Getting some fresh air with a dear friend sounds like great idea to me. So, we decide that Dauphin Island would be the ideal place to go and begin our journey. We don't see each other very often so we play catch up on the things that are going on in our lives. Rolling down the windows, enjoying the wind, we talk about old times as well. We've been friends for fifteen years and we've had our ups and downs during that time. We'd still been working through a very down period in our friendship and I'd consider the friendship still fragile at this point. But, none of that matters now. She needed me, I came, and that's all that matters.

Arriving on Dauphin Island, we head to the beach. As we are getting out of the SUV, I realize I don't have sunscreen or sandals to wear on the beach. I have to have sunscreen, especially for my bald head. And, I can't take the chance of cutting my feet in the sand or water. So, we make our way to the one store on the island and find some tacky shoes and strong sunscreen to add to my survival kit. While we're there she has a great idea. Let's get a souvenir of our day. I know it's silly, but it sounded like a wonderful thing. So, we picked out two Dauphin Island magnets and headed to the checkout counter. On our way to the store, we'd passed the entrance to the ferry that travels between Dauphin Island and Fort Morgan. On the way back, we passed it again and saw someone lining up for it. Wouldn't that be fun? "I haven't been on the ferry before, have you?" I asked. "Not this one. You know what we should do? Wouldn't it be crazy if we rode the ferry across just because." Sounds good to me. Let's just go. Who cares about the destination, let's just ride.

I circle around and get into the line. We eat our snacks, laughing about how crazy we are. And, really we just enjoy the moment of being together. We finally board the ferry, pay the toll, and get out of the car. Wow, this is nice. The wind is blowing. The birds are flying around us. The waves are crashing against the ferry. It's peaceful. We both close our eyes, breathe deeply, and exhale. This is just what we both needed, more than anyone will ever understand. It's so peaceful and calm. She's forgotten her worries for the moment. And, I've forgotten my pain. She shows me a powerful video of Sara Bareilles' new song 'Brave'. A perfect theme song for our day. We talk about our problems. She shares her troubles and I just listen. I share my pains and she just listens. We have each other again, the lost years forgotten. We're lost in the wind.

Before we know it, the ferry ride is over and we're two hours away from home. So, we drive. We head toward Gulf Shores and start making plans for a trip to the zoo with our families. We start feeling hopeful. "Let's get together more often, Steenie. I don't want to lose this." "Sounds good to me. We don't do anything anymore. It's hard with my cancer." My friend says, "I'm serious. Please stay in touch with me. I can't go back to before. You understand me. You calm me." "We aren't going back to that," I say. "I need a friend, I need you."

As we enter Mobile and realize the ride is almost over, we realize that life has changed for us. No matter the past, we ARE friends. And, we need each other. Life has put us back together for a reason. She needs someone who can calm her and help her work through her anxiety. And, I need someone who checks in on me, forces me out of the house, and needs me. I hug her, she thanks me, and we say goodbye. It's the end of a perfect day.

We've gotten together many times since that day. I've helped her through some rough moments and she's kept me laughing and staying upbeat. She's apologized so many times for calling me with her problems when I'm dealing with cancer. I know she feels guilty for it. But, what she doesn't understand is that she saved me that day. I was in a dark place and she brought me into the light. Her needing me gave me something to focus on instead of my problems. I'm good at helping others, it's what I do. And, I haven't been able to be me since this whole journey of mine began and it felt great to be normal again for a day. She helped me more than she will ever know. She helped me get lost in the wind. And, for that, I will forever be grateful.